


A Secret And Two Truths

by ScarletCorvid



Category: Stranger Things (TV 2016)
Genre: F/F, Gen, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-25
Updated: 2017-10-25
Packaged: 2019-01-22 17:35:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,087
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12487156
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ScarletCorvid/pseuds/ScarletCorvid
Summary: Barb had been her best friend, but she'd been keeping a secret from Nancy for a long time. Will knowing the truth help Nancy find closure? Or even better, find herself again?





	A Secret And Two Truths

Barb knew it was going to end this way.

Here she was, sitting on the diving board with her feet in the cold water at Steve the Asshole's house, while Nancy was upstairs in the creep's room. No doubt losing her virginity. God only knew where those friends of his had went, but they were probably screwing too. And now Barb would need to drive home alone and hope Nancy's mother didn't call to check up on her. 

Of course Steve was using the party as a way to get into Nancy's panties. Nancy might have chosen to belive he was sincerely interested in her, but Barb knew the type. Nancy was a good girl who got straight A's and was just popular enough not to degrad Steve's popularity status, but still different enough to be a good conquest. The more she refused to throw herself at him, the more it became a challenge to bed her. 

And Nancy had fallen for it.

Why should she care? If her friend wanted to make a fool of herself and have it spread all over the school she was sleeping with Steve, it didn't affect Barb any. Though if Nancy kept hanging out with Steve and his goony friends, it might put a damper on their friendship. After all, Barb didn't scream 'popular girl' material. 

She glanced up at the house, wondering what bedroom belonged to Steve. Wondering what he and Nancy were doing right now. It made her feel gulity to think of that, but a lot of the thoughts she had about Nancy made her feel gulity. Somewhere along the line she'd noticed her best friend was very pretty. That her lips looked smooth and silkly. And her body...

Stop it, she chided herself. Nancy was definitely not interested in Barb as anything other than a friend. Maybe not even as a friend anymore. Why else would she tell her to go home and leave her wondering when this great big divide had sprung up in between them?

A droplet of blood dripped down into the pool and Barb watched it spread through the water. It looked like a pair of lips, then a rose, then a heart. All omens of love, when she was feeling love the least at that moment. The red continued to spread across the water, diluting and turning purple. She wondered if maybe she ought to admit to herself that she'd be lucky to just hang onto her friendship with Nancy.

Or admit to Nancy-

The thought was cut off when the outside lights began to flicker. Suddenly she was being pulled off the diving board, into the water, but there was no water now. Only vines and floating motes that looked like snow, surprisingly bright in the weird, dark bluish glow of night. 

Her secret was going to die with her.

*****

There had been no way to tell Barb's mother what Eleven had seen in the Upside Down. No body to produce to prove her daughter was dead. All they could do was let time pass and let the woman's hope die. It was a nasty business to watch, and Sherieff Hopper decided to put an end to it shortly after the start of the New Year. 

The hoping and praying was traded in for crying and grieving. They couldn't have a funeral or a school assembly because technically Barb was still missing, but everyone had decided there was no chance she could still be alive. It didn't make a huge difference to Nancy, she'd been grieving since the night in the gymansium. Sometimes she could still hear Eleven's voice in her dreams.

"Gone." The girl cried out to her. "Gone." 

She'd wake up, covered in sweat and shivering. Was it her fault? She'd been the one that insisted they go to Steve's house that night. She had been the one to go upstairs and tell Barb to go home without her. Nancy might not have known there was a monster waiting to strike, but she had known that Will Byers was missing and she should have at least thought about the possibility there was a serial killer or a pervert stalking around Hawkins.

But she hadn't. Now her best friend was not only dead, the last time she ever saw Barb's face her friend had looked like a kicked puppy. Because of her. Because she'd put a guy above a friendship that had started in preschool. 

As winter began to thaw into spring, Barb's mother invited Nancy to come over to see her friend's room one last time. She was free to take whatever she wanted. The rest was going to be boxed up and put in the attic. Maybe Sherieff Hopper hadn't completely killed all of the woman's hope she'd see her daughter alive again after all. Or maybe she just wasn't ready to let go all the way yet. Either way, Nancy knew she had to help out. It was her fault, in a way, that this errand even needed to be done.

It was strange going into Barb's room and having it look almost exactly as it had the last time she had been there. Five months had passed but very little had been moved. There was even a sheet of paper on the desk with the homework assignments for the week written out in Barb's neat script. Most of them she wouldn't get to finish because she'd go missing halfway through the list. 

Nancy picked it up and studied her friend's familiar writing. It was just like Barb to be organized. She was really smart, and she got top marks on her compositions. Only Nancy knew that she wanted to be a writer one day. Or that she'd been submitting stories to magazines on the sly to see if she could get something published. Then again, Nancy was the only one who knew a lot of things about Barb. Including the location of her diary.

As soon as the thought crossed her mind she knew it would be wrong to seek out such a personal thing for a memento. She'd taken a few pictures and a stuffed cat she'd given Barb for her birthday several years ago, but they didn't feel like her friend. The diary, however, would have her friend's hopes and dreams. And maybe somehow she could try to make some of them happen in Barb's abscence.

That sounded like rationalization, but Nancy didn't care. She knelt at the side of Barb's bed and looked under the box spring. A long time ago her friend had discovered a small gap between mattress and springs that fit a notebook near perfect. Only the slighest of an edge stuck out, and even if you found it the diary itself was a pain to pull out.

Once it was in her hands, Nancy felt a sense of remorse. Was she doing something wrong, prying into Barb's journal? After some debate, she stood up and added the journal to the pictues and the stuffed cat in her backpack. After one long, lingering look it was time to leave the room for the last time.

*****

"Gone." The girl cried. "Gone."

Nancy bolted awake in bed, breathing hard. It didn't surprise her she had a nightmare after going to Barb's room earlier that day, but it didn't make it any easier. Her breathing took awhile to slow down, and she was chilled as sweat began to dry on her back. The idea of going back to sleep didn't appeall to her in the least. Thank God for Sunday, in a totally non-ironic sense.

The diary was sitting on her nightstand and Nancy opened it without much thought. She was tired and with her defenses down her curiosity couldn't be held back any longer. Besides, maybe it would help the nightmares to end if she could read Barb's thoughts, even if she couldn't hear them again.

Nancy flipped through the pages, not sure where to begin. The diary covered two years, written in almost every day. There were only about twenty blank pages at the end, a reminder of the year Barb didn't get to finish. The thought made her queasy and she tried to rebuff it by reading the first page that she fell on.

"I feel so weird saying this, even to a diary," Barb's small, neat script spoke from the page. "But I really do have feelings for someone. The ridiculous thing is, this person would never be interested in me. I would say I don't know what to do, but there's nothing I can do about it." 

She didn't remember Barb mentioning a boy. Who could it have been? Most of the boys weren't interested in Barb, but it seemed strange that she would fall for one that was too much of a jock or too popular to date her. She was smart, Nancy always figured Barb would want a smart boyfriend as well. 

Nancy flipped through a few more pages, looking for anything about romantic feelings. It took seven pages before she came upon another paragraph. 

"I wonder if she notices the way I watch her sometimes. I've known her for years, but it seems like lately I'm noticing all these new things. She's got more freckles on her nose from the sun. They're very cute. It makes me feel weird how cute I find them. I mean, I had an aunt who was this way, so it's not like I've never heard of it before, but I didn't really have feelings for anyone, male or female, other than some crushes on movie stars before last summer. And now I'm afraid I'm going to get caught staring at someone I shouldn't be staring at! This is a big deal, it could ruin our friendship. But sometimes I can't help staring. I wonder if she realizes how much she's changing?

I watched her walking in the hallway today. The light fell just the right way on her hair and it made it shiny. When she smiles, everyone around her seems to brighten. Does she know it? Sometimes I watch her do that thing when she tucks a bit of hair behind her ear and I think she does know just how pretty she is. Other times, I'm not so sure. But it doesn't really matter, does it? I can't tell her. Ever."

On the third read over the paragraph Nancy finally let the shock start to wear off. Did Barb...like girls? There were rumors that one of the boys in junior year was gay and everyone knew their gym teacher, Miss Glenn, was shacking up with the biology teacher, Miss Cain. That was really as far as that sort of thing went. Maybe Barb did mention the aunt a few times, but it never really sunk in to Nancy.

How could she not have known Barb might be...well...gay? Nancy had to admit Barb never showed an overwhelming interest in boys, but she did think John Travolta was hunky in 'Grease.' Though that had been when they were twelve. Still, it felt strange to think of not knowing such a major thing about her best friend.

And the other question, who was this girl? Nancy was Barb's closest friend and of the few other friends she had, none of them had freckles on their noses. Wouldn't she have noticed Barb staring at some girl anyway? Something wasn't adding up. 

Nancy flipped to the end of the diary and looked at the last two pages. She read slowly, making sure she was really absorbing every word that was said. Soon her eyes began to fill with tears.

"Sometimes I feel like I don't know Nancy anymore. She's hanging out with Steve, and I'm worried about her. He runs with a fast crowd. She says he's nice and maybe she's right, but his friends definitely aren't. She has to watch her back with them. I don't think she realizes how much he's sucking her in. It's pretty clear to almost anyone with a brain that he's interesting in landing the straight A, perfect girl more than he's interested in actually being her boyfriend.

It's not just Steve, though, it's everything. Her personality is different. She takes herself very seriously and she's not as much fun as she used to be. Not that I'm the Queen of Fun, I just didn't think I'd see her starting getting so catty. There's no way I can ever tell her what's going on with me when she's putting other girls down constantly for the littlest things. It hurts to have to hide this from my best friend."

The last entry was dated the night of the party. Nancy had asked Barb to pick her up at seven, which meant the entry was written between the time school was let out and the time she left to pick up Nancy. She didn't know if she wanted to read it, because she had a feeling she wasn't going to like it. Not to mention it was Barb's last thoughts. Last. Forever.

Gone.

"Nancy wants me to take her to a party at Steve's house tonight. I should just tell her I'm sick or my car broke down. She says I'll be her chaperone, but we all know how the night is going to end. She's going to sleep with Steve. I couldn't stop it even if I was in the same room with them. I just hope she's smart and uses something. Or decides he's not right for her and moves onto someone better.

I'm not saying that because of how I feel about Nancy. I know she's never going to see me as anything more than a friend, and I'm okay with that. Someday, probably when I go to college, I'll have a chance to figure this whole thing out. I'm glad I didn't try to kiss her the other night. I don't know what I'd do without our friendship. And that's more important than how I feel about her in other ways.

I don't hate Steve. I don't want her to not date him because I'm jealous, but because I think she's amazing. She's beautiful, smart, funny, and when she gets off that high horse she's been on lately she's very kind. I just want to see her with some guy who can make her feel as special as she deserves to feel. I want her to find someone who realizes how amazing she is, so I can watch her get her own happily ever after.

But maybe she has to sleep with Steve to get to that. I don't know. I have things to figure out. Maybe she does too. I wish she wouldn't do this, but I'm going to be there for her no matter what."

Nancy blinked, hot tears falling down her cheeks. It was a strange contrast to the cold shock running through her veins. Barb had been ready to kiss her? She was glad that she hadn't, she was definitely not into girls, but it seemed so strange. And if she was thinking about it, she was fairly sure she knew when that moment had been. Out on the porch one Friday night in early fall, watching the streetlights come on. Barb had been looking at her a lot more than normal. 

Barb's crush on her didn't change anything about their friendship, even if Nancy had known it wouldn't have changed anything. It was a huge surprise, a shock, but it's not like they ever would have been more than friends. Still, she wished that Barb would have trusted her enough to talk to her. But she hadn't made it easy the last few months of her friend's life, it would seem.

And right up until the last night of her life, Barb thought Nancy was amazing and valued her as a friend. She wanted the best for Nancy and what had Nancy done? Ditched her to go sleep with Steve. She'd made her friend feel like a loser and had sent her home instead of listening to what she was saying. Maybe sleeping with Steve wasn't a mistake, but she was pretty sure it wasn't her happily ever after either. But only time could tell that.

The shame was as thick on her as the grief. She'd been a bitch, she'd been catty and she'd been a bad friend. And she'd never get a chance to apologize to Barb for any of that. Tears continued to fall down her face until she was sure she'd cried enough to make a river to drown herself in. But wasn't it partially from self pity that she was crying too? Barb would've hated that.

Maybe it was time to take a good, long, hard look at herself. Maybe the things Jonathan had said about her trying to rebel and ending up like everyone else were true. And she didn't like that thought one bit. But if she could slay monsters, surely she could get her head on straight and stop trying to be things she wasn't. Start being herself again. Even if sometimes she didn't know who that was anymore.

But she'd survived the showdown with the monster. Barb didn't. She told herself she wanted to read Barb's diary with some made up excuse of being able to make her friend's hopes and dreams come true. Well, maybe it wasn't a hope or dream, but Barb would've been very happy to see Nancy start being herself again. And find out just who 'herself' really was, at that. Nancy felt like it was the least she could do, the very least, since Barb would never get that chance to find out who she really was herself. 

Exhausted, Nancy set the diary aside and turned the light back off. She wrapped her arms around the stuffed kitty she'd given Barb years ago and closed her eyes tight, tight, tight. She willed her thoughts to go out to wherever her friend was now, Heaven or the Upside Down or wherever she might be, and tried to think each one clearly.

'I'm sorry, Barb. I miss you. I'm going to figure me out. The real me. Thank you.'

Nancy would never know if Barb heard her message somehow, somewhere in the great unknown. But she did know that she never heard Eleven's voice again in her nightmares calling out that her friend was gone. And that seemed like enough of an answer.


End file.
